I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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