My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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