Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
