i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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