Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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