birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
