Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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