and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
