My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
