Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
