plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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