I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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