lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize