You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
