dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
