Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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