when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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