I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
