I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
