God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
