There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
