Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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