Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
