You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm both gender and math confused
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