well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
