The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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