Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
