my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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