Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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