i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
