So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize