I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
MIDGETS
????
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
