You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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