I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
