My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize