Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
