I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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