I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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