I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Sorry about my life...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
