I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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