Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
