After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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