note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
