i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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