Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
