you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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