i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
