ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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