I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
