he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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