apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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