Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
