I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
