Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
