You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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