Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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