At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
